(This is a strange entry. This is a wonderful entry.)
I am a twenty year old virgin.
My travails with sex should be familiar to all of you that know me. I love sex and fear sex and hate sex all in the same breath. I have the potential to be a languorous sex demon. I want to be the languorous sex demon. I want to embody the freedom, the comfort, the pleasure it entails. But antiquated morals, then traumatic experiences, then deep seated fear take their turns with me. I am a twenty year old virgin.
But this doesn't mean I'm a stranger to sex. I've been fucked by fingers, by tongues, by vibrators, by the handle of a hairbrush. I've kissed girls, kissed boys, kissed cocks, kissed two cocks at once. I masturbate often. I lost my hymen somewhere, somehow. So in the strictest technical sense, I've lost it a long time ago. But no penis has ever entered my vagina. Thats because through all my insanity and dumbfucked-ness I've clung to my virginity. I've clung to my virginity because it symbolized goodness and wholeness. I've clung to my virginity like a lifeline because I never felt good and whole with any sexual partner. I never really felt comfortable.
I've never been comfortable because I was racked with expectation, because I was crushed with pressure, I felt used, I felt cheap, I feared I was not pleasing the other, I feared I was compromising myself.
There were all these maybes and hidden traps in this dangerous world of sex. So many ways it can go wrong, because there are so many ways in which I'm vulnerable - especially given my past record. But when it comes down to it, it's because I was uncomfortable with myself. I was letting myself be vulnerable.
I'm taking some of this power back.
I'm taking my own virginity.
Why not? Who says I can't do it myself?! In many ways, I gave birth to myself. I do not accept conventions or traditions on what makes a good person. I do not pay heed to social norms or to parental guidelines. I have created myself in the image of no one. I have no idols - growing up nomadic and Asian and female in America, there was no one remotely similar to me. Therefore, I gave birth to a concept of a person, tailored to suit the life I want to live and the qualities I admire. Sure, I'm strongly influenced by society, but I'm able to see through the social guises and understand what dwells at the core.
Therefore I'd able to see virginity as a relic of times past. I see it as a mechanism for a man to feel control and domination over a woman. I see it as a social prize. I see it as a social stigma. I want to be associated to none of these things.
I have always supremely valued self-autonomy. The more philosophy and anthropology I read, the more I am supposed to convinced that it doesn't exist. Bullshit. You just have to struggle hard to live beyond the beguiling veil. It makes me relish this more.
This is how I'm taking control. I don't want to be socially stigmatize for being a late virgin. I want to play this game of sex by my own rules. No one else's. I don't want to hand over power and vulnerability on a platter to guy who'll probably flatter himself with it. Right this moment, I don't want to empower anyone but myself. I want relief. I want liberation.
I shed my virginity.
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