Iwish that everything I wrote had literary quality. but tonight, all I have is some fucked up shit.
After graduation, which was a hot sunny day in my black gown and mortarboard which provided little shade, I've been absolutely lost and crazy. I have no idea what my next step is. I had my fortune read in China - they said I had the highest potential, that I should be able to bring change to the world, or at the very least, wealth for myself, but nowadays, all i do is drink away how lost I am, and get lost in bad nights and nights of white powder. I wish I didn't feel so guilty - but I am asian. My parents constantly criticize me, but it doesn't match up to the internalized beratement.
Something I realized a few nights ago - this type of uncertainty, only comes around a few times in a lifetime, when you're not sure what you're made of, and what you're worth, and that i should enjoy it, revel in the possibility. But I just kinda want to go to sleep and not wake up until I'm forty, when things are just a bit more settled.
Tonight was C's 23rd. Tonight is my most masochist moment. I just have to admit that I'm so fucking scared.
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