I've been busy; A lot has happened in my life. But whether it be in matters of academics, the heart, the family, the running theme is my constant failure when times are crucial. When its down to the wire, when the pot is hot, when it matters, I screw up, fuck up, I can't see the right thing to do, I can't act in the right way, I can't make the right decision.
I do my best, based on my so-called experience and my so-called intelligence. That used to be enough for me. I used to believe that I was capable, that I always made the strategic move. But maybe that had been a dream.
Now, my ineptitude is glaringly obvious. I am a lousy leader, I am a lousy writer, and when the people I love are hurt, my family blighted, I don't even know how to start to make things ok again.
I would like to believe that it is a feat to just see my errors, and that later I'll be able to make reparations. I yearn to move through life easily, with the choregraphy of the prima dancer, the rapid dashing of the caped hero. I want to be the hero of this story.
But I just can't seem to.
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