i talk. and you walk away. you walk because you're hurt, angry. you try to act as if you're not. you talk. you, mayhaps subconsciously, try to manipulate me into feeling shame and regret. but i know you too well. you've done this to me before.
but don't be angry with me darling. despite it all, my words of love were genuine. despite our differences, i understood you. enough of you to feel this tenderness, this love.
we were lovers once, dark and passionate and lost in each other. and the present doesn't change the past. there's a part of me that will always be with you. and a part of you with me. so i can't be angry at you, lover. i'm sorry i didn't give you more. but none of this really matters. it doesn't matter because i loved you once.
and it finally sinks in....
and i start to cry.
not silent tears.
my shoulders heave. i cover my face.
our love was, like all loves, a phenomenon. the circumstances in which it brewed, singular - perhaps it was high atmospheric pressure, or fortunate quarks. it was incredibly lucky. random occurences colliding to spark something celestial. i feel lucky to have experienced it. you were wonderful in so many ways. there were beauteous moments. there were those less beauteous. you tried so hard. i tried so hard. i learned so much. i am changed. and i enjoyed it. i treasure it.
and now that it is over and gone forever, i am racked with sobs over the cold ashes of the blaze. i feel pangs of regret. then i push them away. what's happened happened. i don't if it could have happened any other way, but what matters is that it didn't.
so here I am. enough of thinking. I've had too much of thinking - it offers no condolence. I'm just going to feel. I love you. Thank you, dearest, for everything.
previous - next