I've kept away during this tumultuous time due to my lack of internet access. Now, finally, I am tucked into my little apartment with my happy DSL access, in the dying echoes of the chaos that erupted my life, I feel somewhat content.
So much has happened, I don't know where to begin recounting. In my last entry I speak about starting work at the premier Chicago "gentleman's club". The initial qualms has faded, and a sense of surreality now surrounds the whole affair. Call it environmental brainwashing or whatever, but now it seems perfectly natural that I should dance nude or make flirt brazenly with clients. Yet, it would be erroneous to assume that a strip club is utterly disjointed from reality. Rather, it is a certain hyperreality - it is a garish caricature of both romantic love and capitalism. On the client's side, there is sexual tension and immense idealization of the 'girls'. There is a hyperdrive of a courtship, and then a culmination of the romance in a pricey private dance. Meanwhile, the girls are driven by success, defined by money. The rapidity of money changing hands is laughably ludicrous, and is reminiscent of a ... stock market.
There has been changed in other arenas of my life. Just moving out on my own has me somewhat disorienting - all this freedom garnished with all this responsibility. There is uproar in my personal life as well, but I will explain that when the time comes.
All these jarring changes sent me into a dizzying headspin, badly shook by confidence, and sent me into a despairing gloom. But yesterday, I rode the red line train downtown. Sitting in an hidden enclave that K. showed me, I ruminated over all these transgressions and my own unhappiness. I thought about what I was doing with my life, and what I have done. I thought about who I was, and what kind of person I wanted to become. I remembered prior happy moments. And suddenly I remembered who I am, and everything fell softly into place.
previous - next