It's funny that it took something like Scav Hunt* to make me reach this epiphany. I have no discipline. I write off my slothful and meandering ways as artistic tendencies, when in truth I have no drive. I do what I feel like when I feel like it, and think that all good things will eventually fall into my lap. Dumbass delusions. I won't be that lucky. I'm lucky to be where I am already. And things are only going to get more difficult. If I want to get further I'm going to have to
fight.
I want to be a leader, a pioneer. I want to be someone worthy of respect, someone worthy of my own respect. None of that shit happens on its own. It takes sweat; it takes determination. I've had few role models in my life, but if I'm going to become even remotely close to those people I admire, such as Steve or Crystal, I'm going to have to work my ass off, as they have. I'm going to slough off these 20 years of routinized apathy and leisure. I need goals. And I need to follow through with it. (I don't think I've followed through with anything in my life.) But that doesn't matter now. I can start anew. (And I'm actually going to follow through with it this time.)
I realize that I will never be totally content until I change. I will never be content until I have great accomplishments. I will never be happy until I am influential, until I am a source of inspiration. I want to emanate charisma and a life well led, so that people on the streets will wonder who I am, and why they recognize me. I've had dreams like this for a long time. And however vague it still may be, I realize it can happen. I'll just have to fight. Myself and the world, against myself.
*Scav Hunt, or Scavenger Hunt is four days of mass pandemonium here at the University of Chicago. It is a creative effort of great proportions. Team members, divided by dorm, are to complete a two hundred item list of riddles and clues such as:
215. Sarcasm [3 points]
58. We want to play SearsTris Tower (or alternatively, HansTrisCock). Make Alexei Pajitnov proud. [222 points. 25 bonus points if it is set to appropriate music].
It is a collective effort of brain and muscle power. A lot of fun. A lot of insanity. A true learning experience.
previous - next