I am inexplicably somber. inexplicably. There's no reason for it. Wait. No
warrented reason, no.
They told me that I expect too much.
Who's they?
Well, them of course.
You know, that little social group of SK's. They include those that I went on that little Toronto trip with. Those that I have been spending a lot of time with recently. Those with whom I tonight enjoyed the sushi and green tea ice cream and the gin and the cigars and the conversation. It was a wonderful time. C'mon, it was a wonderful time.
That's the problem. I am propelled (by myself, mind you) to commit myself to some (perhaps this) social group. Don't joke yourself. A social group has just as much of a commitment level as a romantic relationship. Especially with this one. There's only so many ways to divide your time. And this is a social group with a deep level of commitment. There is a lot you have to feel out. Many hidden landmines. Little love triangles. hmmm...
Since coming to Chicago, I have floated about. Never exactly making any concrete judgements about the people I hang out with, with the company I keep. I was a social butterfly. I accepted most people for who they were because, hey, I probably didn't have to put up with them for too long. But its different now, with the new dynamic, with the housing situation looming.
I guess I realize that no social group will be perfect. No social group will fit my expectations. And that is what makes me inexplicably somber. Another realization that the ideal never dwells in reality. Not within academics, not within the past nor future, not within myself, and now, not within my friends. Oh. The fallen.
And yet, the reality is a thousands times more splendid and faceted than my imagination.
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