I don't understand it. After a brief phone conversation with them, I find myself completely broken up. I don't understand it because my family and I were never that close and I still have communication problems with them. Our conversations are caring, tender, but superficial. So I don't understand where this torrent of emotion is coming from. It's not that I want to go home - I love it here, and I enjoy my independence. Perhaps I just need love and adoration from somebody, and they are so close, and yet so far, from sating that need.
The relationships within my family are strange ones. It's full of things unsaid and things misunderstood. But like any group of human beings, we share the wish for unity, tenderness, and love. If we ever get beyond certain differences - locale, opinions, creed - we can achieve this common wish. Yes, if we ever get beyond these certain irreconcilable differences...
At least I know they love me unconditionally, though they will never understand me. Though I would hurt them deeply if I were to reveal who I truly am to them. I also wish that they could be happy. I wish my family could be where I could derive something pure, something solid, something fulfilling. Because that's how it's supposed to be, isn't it? That's what all the psychologists and sociologist say. Well, fuck it, where does that leave me? Where does it leave me when my family unit, the basis of all of my human interaction, is in such a state?
And yet I still love them... and yet I still wish for something more...
previous - next